Fatherhood is no joke but, in order to survive it, you do have to keep a sense of humor.
- [finally gets the car seat installed correctly]
Me: Where’s the baby?
Wife: In college.
- I wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and come to sleep in our bed.
- Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about
- The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
- It’s weird how we tell kids not to lie then tell them how good the picture they drew is.
- I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because of hair.
- [kid’s party]
Me: Can we leave? There things take forever
Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents.
- I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kinds, too.
- If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
- 3 year old: What’s neglecting mean?
Me: Shhh daddy’s playing video games.
- I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
- Son, my best advice is to find a girl with and embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She know how to make bad decision and stick with them.
- I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.
- Son: am I adopted ?