Quotes, notes and the rest

Advice
If you want any advice, ask a woman, whatever she says do very reverse of that
You sure will succeed.

Happiness
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball,
And that is to have either clear conscience, or none at all.

Gratitude
Time erodes gratitude more quickly than it does beauty.

Cynic 
The cynic is one who knows the price of every thing and the value of nothing.

Americans
Forty percent of American families own dogs, and vice versa.

Small town
A small town is where you squeeze a girl and everybody sequels.

Where two's company and three's a demonstration.

Friends
Defend me from my friends; I can defend myself my enemies.

Ur as
          sweet as GIN
          hard as RUM
          worm as BRANDY
          clear as VODKA
          matured as WHISKY
          refreshing as  BEER

u r a bar of Friendship

A good friend is nothing but one's own reflection with just a little improvement  here and there.

Home
Home is the place where, when you have to go there
They have to take you in.

Fifty
Forty is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of old age

God
If God answers your prayers he is increasing your faith.  If he delays he is increasing your patience, and he doesn't answers he knows you can handle the situation perfectly.

Innocence 
There cannot be innocence in this world, not with Man in it.

Life
That's life - Always some bugger telling you what to do

There are things that have to be done and you do them and you never talk about them. You don't try to justify them. They can't be justified. You just do them, then you forget it.
.... Godfather

Keeping cool
If you can keep your head when all about you are loosing theirs,
It's just possible
                        you haven't grasped the situation

Fool people
You can fool some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time: but you can't fool all the people all the time


Punctuality
Punctuality is the politeness of princes
Jaffrey Archer in 'Not a penny more not a penny less'

Santa Banta
Santa n Banta were feeling Happy
Happy got embarrassed and left


Woman
There is a mink, from rat on a cat

You may call a woman a kitten, but you must not call her a cat
You may call her  a mouse, but you must not call her a rat
You may call her a chicken, but you must call her a hen
You may call her a duck, but you must not call her a goose
You may call her a vision, but you must not call her a sight.

Take a wife
"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life, there is no longer
excuse for thus playing the rake -
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."
"Why, so it is father - whose wife shall I take?"

Everybody's business
That which is everybody's business is nobody's business
 ... Zaak Walton

This is a story about four people!
EVERYBODY, SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, AND NOBODY!

EVERYBODY was asked to do an important job;
EVERYBODY thought that SOMEBODY would do it,
but NOBODY did it. SOMEBODY got angry about that,
because it was EVERYBODY thought ANYBODY could do it,
but NOBODY did it, but NOBODY realized that
EVERYBODY wouldn't do it.

It ended-up that EVERYBODY blamed SOMEBODY
when actually NOBODY asked ANYBODY to do the job!


Duchess
I sat next to the duchess at tea;
It was just as I feared it would be;
     Her rumblings abdominal
     Were truly phenomenal
And every one thought it was me!


A Wise Old Owl 
     ... Edward Hersey Richards

A wise old owl sat on an oak,
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard;
Why aren't we like that wise old bird?


Toast 
For the memories of yesterday
For the haplessness of today
For the promise of all our tomorrow

A Famous Toast
Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen,
Here's to the widow of fifty,
Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen,
And here's to the house wife that's thrifty
       Let the toast pass
       Drink to the last
I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass

(From School for Scandal by Richard Brinsley Shridan)


In your life problem may start from
Haywards 2000 or Haywards 5000,  but

u must take it as Royal Challenge, otherwise people will call an
OLD MONK and stick a BLACK LABEL on you.

You must fight like NAPOLEON, live like  BAG PIPER, walk like
JOHNY WALKER, work till 8 PM, think like DIRECTOR'S SPECIAL
and then your life will be IMPERIAL BLUE.  If you do all these things
will be an ARISTOCRAT and there will be value for your SIGNATURE


Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train
 
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ..... He was in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea", she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married".

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own freaking blanket."


After a moment of silence ... he farted.

Fatherhood is no joke


Fatherhood is no joke but, in order to survive it, you do have to keep a sense of humour.


  • [finally gets the car seat installed correctly]
                 Me: Where’s the baby?
                 Wife: In college.

  • I wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes to sleep in our bed.

  • Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about

  • The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.

  • It’s weird how we tell kids not to lie and tell them how good the picture they drew is.

  • I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because of the hair.


  • [kid’s party]
           Me: Can we leave? These things take forever
           Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents.
  
  • I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kinds, too.
  • If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
  • 3 year old: What’s neglecting mean?
          Me: Shhh daddy’s playing video games.

  • I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
  • Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.
  • I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.
  • Son: am I adopted ?
         Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.





A Glossary of Nautical Terms

The two most commonly used in boating are "PORT"and ''STARBOARD"

PORT: Facing the bow, 'Port' is on your left. It is easy to remember. 'Port' has 'four' letters,    and 'Left' has 'four' letters. So port is left.

STARBOARD: Since there are only two sides on a boat, and Port is one of them, it is obviously clear the other one is left, "Starboard" is left.

Other necessary Nautical Terms

AHEAD:  The nautical term of 'ajohn'.

ASTERN: Without humour i.e. "The Captain told no jokes.  He was astern Captain".

AMIDSHIPS: This condition exists when you are completely surrounded by boats.

ANCHOR: What you display when you are completely surrounded by boats.

BERTH: The day on which you were born.

BUNK: Phoney sea story.

BUOY:A buoy is the floating device you always smash into when trying to avoid the submerged obstacle the buoy is there to warn you about.

CHANNEL MARKER: Tells you the station you're tuned into on your TV set.

DINGY: The sound of a ship's bell, i.e. Dinghy-Dinghy -- Dinghy-Dinghy.

DISPLACEMENT: Accidental loss, i.e. when you dock your boat and later you can't find it again, you've displaced it.

DOCK: Nickname for a medical man.

EDDY: Nelson's last name.

HEAVE-HO: What you do when you get seasick,  and you've eaten too much of ho.

HITCH: The thing to look for when a millionaire invites you on this boat, ... especially if you're a female!

KEEL: What your wife does to you when she finds you've bought a boat!

LAUNCH: The meal eaten abroad a boat at about noon time.

MOOR: Amount of people needed for a boat-party, like 'The moor, the merrier!'

OAR: When you have a choice, like "This .... oar that!"

PORTHOLE: A hole in the left side of a boat - or is it a right side?

QUARTER-DECK: The floor on a cheap boat, which cost about 25c to install.

SHOAL: Worn by female sailors on chilly nights.

TIDE: A commercial detergent.

SUPERSTRUCTURE: A structure that's a lot better than one on your boat.

WAKE: What friends attend when you've been careless with your boat.

गुगली

गुगली

थिएटर बाहेर थांबलो होतो मित्रांबरोबर
गर्दीत कुठुनशी झाली तिच्याशी नजरानजर

गोड गुलाबी हसणारी नाजुक सुंदर दिसणारी
कुडता अन्‌ सलवार घातलेली शालीन ती सुंदरी

सेकंदभरात झाला मनाचा हिशोब तयार
हिच्याबरोबर आयुष्याचे गणित नक्कीच जुळणार

मैत्रिणींशी कुजबुजत काहीतरी तिने ठरवले
'विचारू का त्याला' एवढेच मी ऐकले

येताना पाहून तिला मित्र माझे घाबरले
मती माझी कुंठली अन ह्रदयही थांबले

अगदी जवळ येऊन तिने माझा हात हातात घेतला
म्हटली, "तुझा चेहरा मला माझ्या भावासारखा वाटला"

"बंधु माझा राहत असतो दूर शहरी 
रक्षाबंधनास येशील का तू माझ्या घरी"

गुगलीने तिच्या ह्या झाली माझी दांडी गुल
सावरतोय ह्यातून तोच ती म्हंटली "एप्रिल फुल"

ही कविता कोण्या एका  मिलिंदने लिहिली होती

आणि मला २००४ साली ईमेलने आली होती.

English Official language of EU

I received this by email in late 1990s

ENGLISH: ¨The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.