Fatherhood is no joke

Fatherhood is no joke but, in order to survive it, you do have to keep a sense of humour.

• [finally gets the car seat installed correctly]

                 Me: Where’s the baby?

                 Wife: In college.

• I wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes to sleep in our bed.

• Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about

• The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.

• It’s weird how we tell kids not to lie and tell them how good the picture they drew is.

• I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because of the hair.

• 
  [kid’s party]

           Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

           Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents.

  

• I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kinds, too.

• If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

• 3 year old: What’s neglecting mean?

          Me: Shhh daddy’s playing video games.

• I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

• Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.

• I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.

• Son: am I adopted ?

         Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.